Train of thought.

I pity you,

The day you awake,

As if from a dream

Of such intense fire,

You’re dripping sweat

Your thoughts

Your fears, your hopes

Your dreams

A life laid bare.

Then you awaken fully

Into the dawn

Of realisation

That all you are

And all you have 

And all you could be

Is nothing new

Nothing special

Nothing different

To the millions of others,

And no one really cares

And no one really knows.

You are alone,

You are the only one

Who sees through the dreams

And sees through the lies.

And now you know,

You are truly alone.




A friend of mine on Google Plus called Adam Boening asks for weekly picture submissions which he writes short pieces of fiction about. I submitted this picture and here is the story he wrote.

You can find him on Google Plus with the above name or Chaotic Motion.Image




When she had arrived home, she found her infant son crying in his crib. Beside him, a man hung from a rope thrown hastily over the rafters. She had no idea why he had hung himself; as far as she had known, he had been happy in their marriage; they had plenty of money and a good life. She could not understand why he had chosen to end it.

Then she saw it. It was about four feet from the ground, crouched and hissing; a beast that was almost gorrilla-like in form, bright red horns covering its arms and down its spine. It spoke to her in whispers that made her shudder, and she understood.

She was out the door before it could stop her, the baby in one arm and the cross around her neck cletched in her other hand. She had to move, and move fast. She let go of the crucifix for a moment, reaching out to grab the hand on the door; it sizzled and blistered her skin.

She made her way down the road, running as fast as she could, stumbling on the dirt and rocks.  She fell once, landing on her knee and one arm; she swore she heard laughter, and forcer her to her feet, urging her forward.

The laughter continued; an insane kind of laughter that echoed in the deepest recesses of her soul as she ran.

As soon as she got to the highway, she waved at the cars. They did not stop, they just kept moving. She kept trying, kept beggiing for attention; and eventually one stopped. In the chair sat an older woman, likely a mother herself.

Without an explanation, she told her she needed to get to the church.


“Just do it!” she yelled, looking behind her where the creature was sitting, quite calmly, watching her, his laughter echoing.

The church was an old stone building, with a well-tended yard and trimmed bushes. It was quiet and calm, comforting; and every instinct told her it was her only safety.

She had never put much faith in God until that moment. It was her husband who had been the church-goer; the man who had seemed so happy that somehow had ended up so lost.

She ran up the sidewalk, opened the door and slipped in. She walked slowly up the aisl between the pieus, revelling in the silence, all the way up to the crucified Jesus which looked down at her with kindness and understanding.

She fell to her knees then, unable to run anymore, and prayed. The infant in her arms stirred, looking up at her, rubbed its eyes with its tiny hands, and smiled. She hugged it close.

Then small, sharp teeth dug into her neck.

Long overdue update.

It is an age since I’ve updated on here.

This is partly due to becoming a firm fan of Google Plus and partly because nothing exciting has happened recently.

Google Plus gives me the ability to write as much as I want and reach a large audience instantly.

I have deleted my Twitter account partly from my own lack of interest and partly because of Twitters actions and the words of their CEO in relation to SOPA.

In real life my condition carries on in much the same way. The energy for life course set up by physiotherapy really wasn’t for me. It was aimed at fibro/cfs sufferers but didn’t take into account any other conditions. It also seemed to have a CBT attitude lurking just under the surface. I have real issues surrounding CBT, it is a short term fix at best and very basic paradigm shifting at worst. I’ve been down that route with mental health teams in the past and have no faith in its ability to work.

I’m on Fentanyl patches now which along with the fibro are really messing up my sleep patterns. I’m either awake for 24 hours plus or sleeping for 15-20 hours. I period of ‘normal’ would be nice.

I’ll try to make the effort to keep up to date on here, even if it is only cross posting the longer rants and posts from other places.

Influences and individuals.

This is a follow on to the piece I wrote the other day on freedom and individualism. If you missed it or didn’t read it please follow the link and give it a look, without it this article will not make as much sense :-

I purposefully left out any influences or quotes from people in the first article. I honestly wanted to see what peoples reactions were to the idea of free will and being an individual.

If I had started mentioning names and quoting certain articles then some people may have been biased towards the my views and the tones of the article.

My intention was not to trick people into agreeing with something that they may see later as just that, just to get an honest opinion on the ideas formed in the article.

By and large the response was much more positive than I expected, most people like the concepts though are guarded by social constraints and fear that a freer society would ultimatley slip into some form of anarchy.

While I don’t myself feel this would be the case I can understand the concerns and arguments posed for not slashing most of the laws and trusting people to do what they feel is morally right within the sphere of free will.

Let me state that the people and artists below have influenced me in greater or lesser degrees, some for many, many years and some I have only discovered recently.

All views expressed here are my own unless I directly quote from one of the individuals.

I have only recently discovered Boyd Rice but wish I had come across his work many years ago. Mr Rice is a musician, artist, ex-high priest in the Church of Satan, has been accused of being a neo-Nazi but prefers to describe his world view as ‘social fascism’. It is never quite clear how much of Boyd’s work is tongue in cheek or said for ‘shock value’ but personally I find him sincere if a little extreme in some of his opinions. For what I consider the best of Mr Rice check out his own ‘Music, Martinis and Misanthropy’ and ‘Hatesville’ albums, his work with Death In June is sublime and the NON albums are really out there as experimental/industrial music.  If you want to listen to the views of Boyd Rice and decide for yourself if he is completely serious or some kind of odd conceptual artist then I can highly recommend his radio interview with Christian d.j Bob Larson. The interviews are available on youtube and personally I was more offended by Mr Larson keep stopping the interview to beg for donations than by anything Boyd said.

Austin Osman Spare is for me one the most underrated British artists of the 20th century. Allegedly a lot of his work was done via a trance like automatic drawing technique. Whether true or not his work is visually stunning to me. Not only a great artist but also considered the grandfather of modern chaos magick, his system for creating a statement of desire and then turning it into a sigil has not been bettered. There are a few tales of Spare’s magickal work but if you choose to believe them or not is purely down to you. Crowley once accused Spare of being a member of the ‘black brotherhood’, high praise indeed if you ask me. Magickal work aside I would highly recommend you at least do a Google image search for Spare’s work and take a few minutes to marvel at a true master of his craft.

What can I say about  Salvador Dali that hasn’t been said already. Genius, super-egotist, insane, probably all of those and more but a unique artist and definitely an individual who did exactly what he wanted, when he wanted to. I don’t imagine there is anyone who hasn’t seen at least some of Dali’s work so I’ll swiftly move on to the next character who has influenced me at least in part.

The wickedest man in England, heroin addict, fraud, or genius. To some  Aleister Crowley is all or at least some of those things. With a personal history that is very difficult to really mine the truth out of, including his alleged mountaineering and being a spy during the war I’ll quickly move on to the bits that attracted me to such a character. Crowley is best known as a magickian who wouldn’t have been out of place as Voldermorts right hand man in the Harry Potter series of books. Within his huge body of work are some real pearls of wisdom though, especially those relating to the philosophy of Thelema. Crowley claims he received a holy text during communication with a spirit called Aiwazz, this text is known as The Book of the Law or Liber Al Vel Legis. Whether this happened or is another part of the Crowley p.r machine I will leave to one side, as the same discussion could be had about many other religions texts. However from this philosophy came ‘Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law’ and ‘Every Man And Woman Is A Star’, if you read my article on freedom then these have been partially explained their. The concept is that doing your true will is the most important thing but you must also remember that everyone else has their own orbit and their own true will.

Mark Thomas a comedian and political activist who really does go out there, shout from the rooftops and stick two fingers up at the world for what he believes in. Those living outside the UK might like to refer to youtube for some of his finer moments. These include driving a tank into a McDonalds drive-thru, ordering a huge amount of burgers and then setting up outside to resell them. Also he set a group of school kids up as arms dealers to show how easy it was to attain end user certificates and sell arms to countries they really shouldn’t be going to.

Robert Anton Wilson/Principia Discordia and The K.L.F these three together and individually have played a great part in my life, for once I didn’t feel mad or alone in some of my thoughts and actions. I cannot advise people enough to read The Illuminati Trilogy and Schroedingers Cat trilogy, this may sound completely off the wall but I had the weirdest dreams while reading them and felt at times like my brain was being rewired. Strange ideas mixed in with conspiracy theories and the completely mundane, they make for an odd but compelling journey. Now whether Wilson was involved with The Principia Discordia or not is open to debate, if he wasn’t he was either influenced by it or influenced its writing. The Principia is either a wonderfully insane scribbling that should be used as a colouring book or the greatest religious text ever written. Track it down in pdf form online, do a search for Discordianism or just consult your pineal gland for further instructions. A dance music act may seem odd when lumped in with books and authors but The K.L.F too their name from the Kalisti Liberation Front in Wilson’s Illuminati Trilogy. Kalisti is Greek for ‘for the fairest’ and was carved on a golden apple by Eris, causing ‘the original snub’ (see The Principia Discordia for the full story). The K.L.F have also recorded as The JAMMs or Justified Ancients of MuMu, another nod towards Robert Anton Wilson.


This is by no means an exhaustive list of people and concepts that have inspired me in my life, in fact this doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface.

In fact I wanted to pick some influences that some people would consider to be more left hand path or evil. Is living your life the way you want to live it evil though, even if on occasion it hurts another’s sensibilities or ideals? Is it evil to say what you really think or set out on a path to do what you truly desire? What is evil anyway, as the saying goes ‘one mans terrorist is another mans freedom fighter’.

Let me try and take another example to explain what I mean. Imagine for a moment that you had never seen electricity or had the concept of it explained to you. Now on one occasion you are shown an execution using an electric chair and on another a life support machine keeping somebody alive. Now is electricity good or evil? Or is it really like everything in life just the perspective of the viewer and a varying shade of grey?

We judge a lot of things in life as black or white because that is what social conditioning wants us to believe they are, I urge you all to open your minds, look at the world afresh, decide what your true will is and then colour the world in for yourself. Do not let the world be coloured in for you by others, especially those imposing the laws of the land or anyone trying to sell you anything.

If you made it this far I thank you and await your comments and hate mail 😉









Freedom and individualism.

Freedom is an illusion. We are constantly told we live in a democratic society and we are fighting for the freedom of other countries to live the way we do.

Sadly this could not be further from the truth. We live in a strictly regimented society and have blindly been led to believe that we are free.

We go to work, pay our bills, conform to the laws of the land and engage in social contracts built on a system of denial.

Don’t dance in the middle of the street naked, wear the right clothes, even those who see themselves as individuals conform to the ‘uniform’ of their sub-genre.


The only way to break the chains, or at least as many of them as you feel comfortable with is to discover what your true will is.

I do not follow an organised religious belief but even most of them say at some point that God gave man free will. I will not get into the dichotomy of God being omniscient and people thinking he controls their lives yet still believing he gave them free will, that is for much greater minds than mine.

So we all have free will, woohoo, kick a kitten, tell your boss he’s an arsehole or comment honestly on how ugly your friends new boyfriend is. The world is your oyster……..or is it really that simple?

Yes you can be an individual and release your free will through self expression, art, writing or wearing pyjamas to go shopping. Although the later is likely to get you lost in the herd of everyone else shopping in Asda on a Saturday wearing pyjamas.

The problems arise when you realise everyone has free will. Your friends will is to love her new boyfriend, telling her he is ugly goes against that. As does telling your boss he’s an arsehole when he believes he is doing the best for the company. Wearing pyjamas to go shopping is okay but doesn’t really make you an individual, it does however show free will unless you are just being really lazy.

Now the choice you really have to make and consider is if imposing your free will over another persons  is that important. Do you break the social contracts to say or do what you feel must be done. Do you believe in euthanasia so strongly you convince your elderly parents to take a trip to Dignitas, risk losing close friends because you are convinced the Holocaust never happened and they need to be told the truth?

This is the nub of the problem, some people are true individualists and will follow their hearts and will no matter what society thinks. Unfortunately most of these people are labelled as cranks or insane. Most of the rest just call themselves individuals while secretly conforming to yet another stereotype, however small the genre they fall into is.

Personally I find most of the people I consider good friends tightrope walk the line between social conformity and free will. I like being around people who toe the line most of the time but aren’t afraid to raise their heads above the battlements occasionally and shout ‘oh just fuck off’ or stand up and really say what they believe in, no matter how unpopular it may make them.

So do your true will whenever you want and can, don’t be afraid to stand out from the crowd and kick  dirt in a few peoples faces.

For those of you who have never tried it, give it a go you may find you like it and enjoy the liberty of really being you for a change and not just a clone of the faceless masses.


Light and dark
Love and hate

All is one
And one is all

We live and die
We fight and fuck

We scream with joy
And curse our luck.

Live for today
And love the night

For by tomorrow
We may miss the light.


A very quick poem inspired by listening to a Boyd Rice interview.

Latest hospital appointment

So I went to see my orthopaedic consultant yesterday. He is a very nice man and without him I wouldn’t have got the fibromyalgia diagnosis. The pain clinic wrote to my gp three years ago suggesting I was referred to a rheumatologist but it never happened. Thanks to this consultant being more concerned about my overall pain and not just looking at my knees and treating me like a piece of on a production line I feel like I am much further forward.
Anyway my appointment went as I expected it to, no action on my knees at present, try physio to build up the strength and if they get worse ask my gp to refer me back to them. The usual ‘you’re too young for knee replacements’ was mentioned again but the way he explained it was more comforting than my previous consultant who suggested all the pain I was in was because I was mad and depressed. The previous consultants registrar had said ‘you’ve probably got RND, people like YOU get that, go and look it up’.
So I tick along as normal, I have physio appts to book and the pain clinic to speak to again regarding my regular nerve block injections.But as I said at weekend all this stuff going on will not stop me doing what I can, especially enjoying the ice hockey season as best I can.  I have three conditions that all cause pain, stiffness and fatigue but I am not going to sit in a chair and moan all day. I will get up and out when I can. Yes I really suffered after a busy weekend, even during the game on Sunday I felt really rough and the drive home was pain filled but I made it and know I can again. The trick is to make sure that I have rest days before and after the busy ones, try to have a laugh and joke when feeling bad and sleep when my body tells me to.


Here we are again.

The English Premier League ice hockey season starts next weekend. As is becoming a tradition now the team we support and follow, Manchester Phoenix took part in the first leg of the ‘War of the Roses’ cup last night against our arch rivals the Sheffield Steeldogs. This cup has been played twice before and Phoenix have won both times.

I was in a real dilemna yesterday, the first leg is always played in Sheffield. I really wanted to go and cheer on our team but it’s a long drive and the weather wasn’t looking great. My biggest fear was making it there and then not really feeling well enough to get back. After some head scratching and soul searching I said ‘sod this, fibro isn’t going to take away the one thing I really enjoy’.

Sheffield is about 40 miles from Manchester but as there is no direct motorway route you really have to decide between two twisty and windy moors roads. We left early so I could rest if needed but hit heavy traffic and ended up getting to Ice Sheffield just in time for the game. And what an amazing game it was, Sheffield dominated in the beginning and half way through the second period Phoenix were losing 3-0. I knew Phoenix had had very limited training time pre-season but still it’s very hard to watch your team going down so badly to a team we almost always beat. The lads dug deep and suddenly started connecting passes and really playing like a team. The final result was a nail biting 4-4 which means Sundays second leg in Altricham is going to be little short of an all out war.

The drive home was nothing short of frightening. As we climbed up the road onto the moors the rain and mist closed in, the roads are unlit and there are some very tight turns which can be tricky to negotiate at the best of times. Linzi admitted when we got home that her knuckles had been white for a large part of the trip. For once I really wasn’t worried about speed or overtaking anyone, I was just happy to keep the car going the way it was supposed to and not ending up down in a gulley or up a tree.

So today I am achy from all the driving and the excitement of last nights game and feel slightly foggy/disconnected but once again the fibro isn’t going to win. It’s a much easier drive to tonights game, most of it on motorway and can be done with the wonders of cruise control. I will be there clapping and cheering on MY team and waiting for them to lift the trophy for the third year in a row.

As Neil Morris the Phoenix owner is so fond of saying ‘Keep The Faith’ and that is what I and many others have to do, the faith that tomorrow will be a better day. Yes I may be sore but I have the faith that the adrenaline will get me through another game and that my family will be there to look after and support me during the ‘bad days’. Even if I have to sleep and rest for days before every game and take time out after them to recover this illness will not keep me from the one thing that really makes me feel alive.

Opening part of a talk on Sigils I wrote years ago.

Sigil Magic Talk

  1. What is a sigil?

Dictionary definition :- A seal; a signet.

A sign or an image considered magical.

This is about all I can find from the dictionary but to me a sigil is any pictorial design used to identify with something else, examples Mercedes, Heinz, Llewellyn etc. Car manufacturers are great users of sigils/pictogram was vehicles move too quickly to read what is on them, but everyone knows most of the car logos. We are surrounded by visual imagery all, the time.


Austin Osman Spare is credited as being the grandfather of chaos magic and the inventor of sigil magic. Spare was a great artist and magician and was described by Crowley as ‘one of the black brothers’, I have also read that Spare should be credited with the wiccan curse that is the 3 fold law, Gardner used to visit Spare to have talismans made so that he could curse whichever HPS that had just left his coven at the time, the story goes that over time Spare got sick of such visits and on one visit said ‘you do realise that whatever you give out in magic comes back to you 3 fold?’. Gardner stopped visiting Spare after this and the rest is history.

I believe that Spare refined the use of sigils in magic and that really they go back as far as the first man to pick up a stick and scratch designs in the dust. I like the idea that early cave paintings are in some way magical devices used to ensure a successful hunt or to enhance virility/fertility.

3.Before Crafting a Sigil

There are a couple of things that need pointing out before we actually get to the crafting point.

Probability:- Simple magic is about giving the universe a nudge in the right direction and sigils are great for this. Nudging a probable into an actual is not all that difficult if you know where and when to tip the balance. Trying to make an impossible possible is another matter all together. Remember that 100 * 0 = 0. Attempting magic to get Nicole Kidman or Brad Pitt to fall madly in love with you is at the point of 0 as you will very likely never meet them, however someone you know and like may be more ‘nudge-able’ I will leave the ethics of casting any form of magic to your own conscience.

Statement of Intent:- Hopefully you will have now decided that you are in a situation of a ‘probable’ that needs a push in the right direction., if you still wish to waste your time trying to become God Emperor of the Universe or have Miss World come knocking at your door for random sex then what I am about to explain is still relevant.

Vincent van Gogh and Starry Night (via Monty English)

Starry Night by Vincent van Gogh is not my favourite painting. Nor is it my favourite painting by van Gogh. Don't get me wrong – I do love the painting. Its twirls and movements are electrifying and one becomes completely absorbed by looking into it. I also love the story behind it. For example, I was intrigued to learn that it was actually painted from memory – not with the artist perched at his easel gazing into the stars, as the more romantic … Read More

via Monty English